An October to Remember
I said not too long ago that I didn't like horror movies nor would I write horror. Little did I know some of my writing would come forward as violent, bloody, and messy. I didn't figure out why until my second book, The Fate of Magick came out and that is a story for another day. I watch some horror, but I stay away from the ones that are so epically real that it adds to the fear inside of me. I haven't been a huge fan of Halloween and haven't celebrated it too much. When I started Twitter, I saw how much fun people had with it, so I created 31 Faces of Bella to celebrate Halloween my way. In an earlier blog post for 2020, you will another blog about #31facesofbella, check it out.
A new app called #photolab came out, and it was so much fun to play with. Along the way, I noticed some things about myself regarding the pictures I was open to creating on #photolab and then posting to #TikTok and #instagram. I was not afraid to make myself look weird, funny, scary, violent, or bloody. It was a conundrum that I could enjoy it, when I have spent most of my life so worried about others' opinions of me.
Most of us put on masks every single day to cover something that we are not always aware of. Those shadowy bits can tell us so much and the masks we unconsciously put on to cover them up. How is that possible if we don't even know we do that? We think we are being as authentic as we can be, but soon realize how much is really hidden from our view when there are layers of coping mechanisms and mindsets in place to protect us or to help us survive whatever trauma we endured.
I used to care so much about what people thought of me and was so scared of what they would think of how my face looked today or yesterday. So last October, as each day progressed, I leaned in honestly with those parts of myself that were stepping forward to be seen and heard. I realized it didn't matter what anyone else thought. What matters is how I feel about my face, how I look, how I am showing up, and how deep I will go with myself to love what was deemed unloveable by someone who couldn't love even the most beautiful parts of themselves and therefore projected that onto my most inner vulnerable, tender heart and sensibilities.
From there, a reality unlike any other cartwheeled its way into my existence. I could see when I was wearing a mask and when I was being authentically me. Which is not an easy task to undertake when so much of what came naturally to me was sacrificed and hidden so I could survive something else laid so heavily on my little shoulders. Knowing I could look at myself in these pictures and just feel was a game changer. I knew deep within that I was not bad for the masks I wore, but I knew I could not continue to do things the same way anymore. I was no longer in survival mode, and these masks were not of service to me. The word Freak that I was called when younger no longer carried any charge within my sense of self.
An important question laid itself at my feet one day. If I wasn't scared to see myself so horrifically and I could smile and laugh and enjoy myself making these incredible masks to celebrate a holiday, then isn't it about time I enjoyed my face in the same way? To step up and be more conscientious of my wounds, hurts, upsets, and how deep they go, and what I put on to hide the pain and vulnerabilities bubbling under the surface? A whole new journey opened up for me that day. It is amazing what can happen to you on the inside when you are gentle, caring, and compassionate, all from a space of honoring that innocence within you. In 2021, I believe I wrote a poem to go along with the puzzle mask that was more iridescent colors. If you want to read that, let me know and I will post it.
Are you ready to explore and discover what is hidden by your masks? If so, reach out to someone who can help you with that and hold an incredible space of support as you dive deep into the puzzle that is you!
Check out some masks I created or go check out my post at the End of October to watch a small video with all of them included.
Instagram @bellarayneauthor and I would love for you to follow me!
Note: I set my Instagram to 20+ years old.
Thank you and Enjoy!